We all want attentive partners. I’m not talking about clingy partners, but rather the kind who knows when we’re not feeling well or remembers the names of our family members. There are some really easy ways to be a more attentive partner if that’s something you’re trying to improve upon in your relationship.
After all, there’s nothing worse than having a partner who comes and goes when they want sex, then spends the rest of their time with their friends, or watching TV, and who barely notices you’re alive. That’s not a caring, life-affirming relationship.
When I worked with couples as a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate and Planned Parenthood Certified Responsible Sexuality Educator, I saw a lot of couples who never addressed ways they could be more attentive, and who who wound up with some serious distance problems to overcome. The best way to avoid all that distance and the growing apart and resentment that comes with it, is to do your best to be a caring and attentive partner from the start. And even if you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s never too late to learn these caring, romantic, essential relationship skills.
- Get Off Your Phone
Nothing says “I’m only half listening” like being in your phone when someone’s trying to talk you. Just make a conscious effort to put your phone away whenever you are giving your partner your attention. Even if your partner isn’t trying to talk to you, like if you’re watching a movie, putting your phone away sends the message that you’re there in the moment.
- Be A Good Social Media Friend
Like those Instagram photos. Comment on the occasional Facebook post. Retweet the super witty Tweets. It may seem silly, but it will show your partner that you care, that you think they’re funny, that you enjoy seeing their selfies, that you’re willing to do online PDA (to an extent) and that you’re proud of your partner. Its easy to go overboard, but you can just ask your partner how they feel about their level of social media attentiveness.
- Learn How To Listen
Listening is more than hearing. It’s body language, head nodding, asking questions, paying attention (not being on your phone) and showing you are engaged in the conversation. Then, it’s taking what you heard one step farther and acting on your conversation. Being a good listener can turn an average relationship into a spectacular one.
- Ask Questions
Asking questions is a simple way to be more attentive. Ask your partner about their day. Ask if they need anything when you get up to go to the kitchen. Ask how they’re feeling. Ask how their clubs or jobs are going. Ask if they talked to their family. Just ask questions that show you’re paying attention and that you’re interested in their lives.
- Make Note Of What’s Going On In Their Lives
You should remember the name of that person at work who always gives them a hard time. You should know what they hate about their commute. You should know what dog park they like to go to. You should make it your job to take an active interest in the day-to-day. It’s the little stuff that often starts to create distance in a relationship.
- Do More Things Together
If you’re a gym rat, but your partner’s a city runner, pick a day when they run with you and you go to the gym with them. See if you can squeeze lunch dates into your day. The more time you spend together, the more chances you have to be attentive, to show interest, to be affectionate, and to get to know your partner even better.
- Make Little Routines
Talk on your lunch break. Text each other to have a great day. Talk on your commute home. Send each other YouTube videos of love songs on your coffee break. Just pick a few easy ways to show affection, and do them every single day, without fail. My “good morning beautiful” texts are one of my favorite parts of every single day. It’s something very simple but very meaningful.
- Get Into Their Interests
If you hate sports, you don’t have to suddenly become a fan, but you might find it fun to go to a game together or to host a tailgating party. If there’s a show they like, watch it too, so you can talk about it. Learn about what they love so you can ask questions or buy them things they might need. It will go a long way to help your partner to feel known and understood.
- Buy Them Specific Gifts
Take your careful attention to their interests one step further and present them with a gift that lets them know you support their interests. For example, if you normally buy flowers, this time get paints and brushes for your art-loving partner or get potted succulents for your garden-loving partner. Those types of gifts are as romantic as they are thoughtful.
- Pay Attention To Their Body
Listen to their breathing and pay attention to their body movements when you have sex. Notice when they get a haircut. Pitch in a little more when you notice they’re feeling exhausted or sick. Show care and concern when they limp. Have gentle and caring regard for their mood and body.
- Remember Special Events
There’s really no excuse for forgetting anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasions. You can put the dates into your phone and get tons of reminders. Go one step farther and put in special other occasions, like a year at their job, the anniversary of when you got your first place, or their favorite pet’s birthday.
Master this stuff, as well as some good communication skills and some healthy trust, and you’ll be a shoe-in for partner of the year.
7 Ways to Become a More Loving Partner
… and 3 reasons we so often fall short.
You may already be rolling your eyes at the vast oversimplification of this title… and if you were to go back to read the many articles I’ve written on relationships, you’d know that I don’t think the secret to romantic success can be boiled down to one simple piece of advice.
However, if people ask me what the most important action we can take to improve our relationships and stay in love is, I do have an answer: Just be kind.
Yes, the suggestion seems obvious on the one hand, but it’s actually really hard for most couples to take at a certain point in their relationship. Many people I’ve talked to resisted the recommendation, responding, “I can’t do that,” or “Why would I be nice to him (or her)?” To understand why we have this resistance, and why we often find it challenging to simply be kind to our partner, there are three important concepts to consider:
- Fearof Intimacy
The reason many couples fall out of love is that they stop treating each other with the respect, attraction, passion, and affection that make up what we call romantic love. Many of us have unconscious fears around intimacy that cause us to want to keep our partner at a certain emotional distance. We resist getting too close in many, often unconscious, ways in order to maintain old, familiar defenses.
These defenses may keep us feeling safe and self-protected, but they actually limit us in our lives. When we are in this mode, we experience being kind to our partner as a threat to our defenses. In reality, being kind would draw our partner closer at a time when we’re driven to push him or her away.
- The FantasyBond
Many couples make the mistake of overly connecting to each other and losing a sense of themselves as separate people. They begin to form an illusion of fusion, or what my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, termed a “fantasy bond.” They start to overstep each other’s boundaries, replace substance with form, and diminish real, personal interactions. Although it isn’t a conscious process, when a couple forms this type of fantasy, they stop engaging in small acts of kindness or even showing care and concern for each other.
Without realizing it, couples form a fantasy bond in order to feel a sense of safety. However, what they end up feeling is resentment and frustration. Instead of seeing their partner as someone they chose, they may feel like their partner is someone they’re stuck with.
The behavior between the couple deteriorates. One partner may become withholding or controlling. Both can become more nitpicky, critical, and less accepting of their partner’s individuality and freedom. While the quality of the relationship may be deteriorating, a fantasy bond still offers an impression of unity that gives us a certain sense of security. When we’ve formed this type of bond, being kind to our partner actually threatens to disrupt the sense of safety we experience: It forces us to acknowledge our partner as a separate person.
- The Critical Inner Voice
When we get into relationships, a lot of coaching in our heads influences how we treat our partner. Our “critical inner voice” has plenty to say about us, and our partner, throughout the course of a relationship, particularly when we feel challenged or scared.
“She doesn’t really care about you. You don’t need anyone,” it shouts.
“Don’t give him anything. He’ll just hurt you in the end,” it warns.
The critical inner voice is formed from our early life experiences. Negative attitudes we received or were exposed to ultimately shape how we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us. This is particularly the case for people with whom we’ve chosen to be in close relationships.
When we listen to the skewed commentary of this mean inner coach, we start building a case against our partner (or ourselves), and then the relationship starts to crumble. We may feel more insecure or distracted, aloof or self-protective. We may act more distant, clingy, or rejecting. We may lash out, bickering more and more, with our focus switching from being close to being right.
In effect, we stop being compassionate toward our partner or ourselves. When listening to the dictates of the critical inner voice, we experience being kind to our partner as being weak, vulnerable, foolish, or even phony.
With all these below-the-surface elements of defense operating in our relationship, being caring and loving toward a partner stops feeling so easy and straightforward. However, at the end of the day, being kind is the only real action we can take to improve our relationship. The only person we have any real control over is ourselves.
The more we come to know and understand our defenses and ourselves, the more we learn that the struggle to love and be loved is very much internal. So, how can we silence the inner critic that tells us not to be vulnerable? How can we foster more kindness in ourselves, and what specific actions can we take to create more loving feelings and interactions with our partner?
- Feel the feeling, but do the right thing.
This is one of my favorite things relationship expert Dr. Pat Love, author of The Truth About Love, tells couples. Whatever you feel is acceptable: hurt, anger, insecurity. Your feelings are reactions that you have little control over that help you know yourself. However, how you act is within your control.
When your partner has triggered you, try to take a breath or take a walk before you react. Find ways to calm yourself down, so that you can feel whatever you feel then act in a way that reflects the outcome you truly desire. Be the person you want to be in your relationship.
- Break from your past.
People often react negatively to love, because they’ve never seen or experienced this type of kindness before. They may never have witnessed it in their original family or felt it in their past relationships. In addition, they may have been hurt in the past in ways they’re afraid to re-experience.
In this way, love can feel painful or threatening. All of a sudden, you feel vulnerable, as if you have a lot to lose or can be hurt all over again. In this state, you may do a lot of things to squelch those feelings of love in order to feel more comfortable or familiar. You may stop treating your partner in ways that would draw him or her closer. In order to move forward, you have to be willing to let go of the past and surpass it by being even more vulnerable and open to love. Letting go of your defenses will let more love into your life.
- Drop your half of the dynamic.
One technique I often share with couples to help them end an argument is to practice unilateral disarmament. What this basically involves is dropping your half of the dynamic and saying something kind, open, and vulnerable like: “I care more about being close to you than I do about winning this argument.”
If you start to fly off the handle, try to gently get a hold of yourself and take steps to calm yourself down. Then reach out to your partner, show concern and care, and stick with the behavior of being kind. You’ll be amazed at the way this can melt your partner’s heart and cause them to reciprocate.
- Don’t act out projections.
If you notice that you have intense feelings of jealousy, anger, etc., it’s important to think about their source. Is your partner really rejecting you, or might you be distorting reality? Perhaps you’re listening to your critical inner voice when you hear thoughts like, “He’s cheating on you! Who would want to be with you anyway?” or “You’re just being used. Don’t show her that you care.” In many cases, you may be projecting these feelings onto your partner based on old experiences.
This is why it’s so important to keep your actions in sync with your ultimate goal of being close. Of course, if your partner is mistreating you, you should definitely address it. But anytime your reactions seem intensified or to not quite fit the situation, you should make sure you’re reacting based on something that’s happening in the here and now and not your past. In any circumstance, you can choose to be the loving person you want to be.
- Be mindfulof your partner’s wants and feelings.
This sounds basic, but so often we get wrapped up in a “me, me, me” attitude without even realizing it. We become so distracted and lost in our own heads that we stop thinking of our partner as a real person we are affecting. We may feel victimized and refuse to slow down and see things from our partner’s point of view.
Take time to try to grasp what your partner feels and experiences when interacting with you. What does how you act make them feel? Simply paying attention to your partner and acknowledging their feelings will make them feel safe and seen. Then, you can be kind by engaging in behavior that acknowledges their wants and desires.
- Show care and concern in a way your partner would experience as loving.
We often say to treat others the way you want to be treated. This is good advice, but better advice is to treat others the way they’d want to be treated. In other words, your idea of what is an act of love may not be quite the same as your partner’s. You may think doing his laundry would make your partner feel loved when actually he’d prefer if you just sat and talked with him about his day. You may think your partner would want a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day when she’d rather just hear you say how you sincerely feel toward her on an average afternoon.
Little kindnesses can go a long way, and yet we’re often the most resistant to doing the very things that would light our partner up. Just bringing a cup of tea or offering a random act of affection can shift the entire dynamic of your day to be more loving and romantic.
- Don’t engage in a tit-for-tat mentality.
As I said, it’s easy to get victimized and want to quantify how much you do for your partner. However, you feel a lot better doing things for your partner, because it makes you feel good and not so you can get ahead in the scorebook. It feels bad to walk around feeling as if someone owes you something, especially the person you’re the closest to.
You need not quantify kindness. This doesn’t mean you should trade your own needs for your partner’s or accept someone being unkind to you. You can always clearly say what you want. However, when you get too focused on who owes who what and why, you may start to feel resentful and bitter. You lose track of your real goal, which is to make you and your partner feel happy and close.
Being loving in these ways is harder than it seems, because it makes us feel vulnerable and anxious, as if we’re weak and can be hurt. When we have something precious, we become fearful of what we can lose. However, if we acknowledge these painful feelings and fearful reactions, we can be aware of when they arise, but still choose to persevere by remaining kind and close to the people we love.
7 Ways you can give your spouse the attention they need
When you’re with your partner, they deserve your undivided attention. Not giving your partner enough attention can lead to problems in your relationship. Here’s how you can give the attention they deserve.
by Arushi Bidhuri | Updated on Aug 02, 2020 07:38 PM IST | 3.8M
7 Ways you can give your spouse the attention they…
7 Ways you can give your spouse the attention they need
Let’s be real, marriage is hard. It takes a lot of patience, long-term commitment and maintenance to keep your relationship last a lifetime. You need to put in efforts to maintain a healthy bond for a long time. One way to show your partner that you love them is giving them attention. It is not about being clingy, but rather the kind who knows when their partner is not feeling well or remembers the little details or makes an effort to improve the relationship.
Sometimes one partner is so involved in work that they forget that they have a life beyond it. There is nothing worse than having a partner who comes and goes when they feel like and don’t even notice you. If you wish your partner has been complaining about the same things, then you have landed on the right article. Today, we are sharing with you some ways that can help you understand how you can give your spouse your undivided attention.
Here are the ways you can give your spouse the attention they deserve.
1- Don’t be on your phone when your partner is trying to talk to you. Make an effort to put your phone away to give them all your attention. Even if you guys are watching a movie, the gesture will say that you are in the moment, enjoying it with your partner.
2- Appreciate and encourage them for whatever they’re doing. A relationship is all about supporting each other, so even if it means retweeting their tweet, do it. Show your partner that you care in any way possible.
3- Listen to what your partner says. You hear this all the time because it’s true. Listening doesn’t mean sitting there while you’re thinking about the work presentation. Show how engaged you are in the conversation.
4- If you don’t know how to be attentive, ask them questions. Ask them if they need help. Ask them how their day was. Ask them how they’re feeling. Asking questions shows that you care and are paying attention to them. Remember not to do overdo it.
5- Find time for your significant other, regardless of how busy you are. Taking time off, especially for them shows how much you love and value them. Plus, the more time you spend together, the closer you will feel to each other.
6- If you’re being attentive, then that means you remember the small details of things bothering your partner. You should make it your job to take an active interest in their day-to-day life.
7- If you buy them gifts, don’t make random choices. You should know what they like, and make sure you present them with a gift, keeping their choice in mind. It will help them to know that you support their interests.
Paying More Attention to Your Partner Can Lead to a Longer Life
It’s not just about the romance. Having an attentive, responsive partner is better for your health, too.
Share on PinterestFeeling that your romantic partner understands and appreciates you can lead to a longer life.
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Jason Wimberly, a celebrity fitness trainer, leads a fast-paced life in Los Angeles.
He runs a business and helps the members of his gym, The Wall, achieve their physical fitness goals through leading vigorous exercise classes.
Like many people living in the modern world, Wimberly chronicles his personal and public life on social media, which shows daily updates of his clients and his own personal accomplishments.
Yet every date night, Wimberly turns on the “do not disturb” mode on his smartphone to sit down to dinner and unwind with his partner, Zai Holder.
That’s when the pair can discuss each other’s day and focus on one another.
“For me, leaving my phone in the car or at home during date night with my partner is the ultimate luxury,” Wimberly confided to Healthline. “My work is very public and around people constantly, so having the ability to disconnect and focus on each other is what we both want at the end of the day.”
He added, “It’s become more and more normal to never clock out of work, but there has to be a time as a loving boyfriend where you just have to turn it off.”
As it turns out, the simple act of turning off a smartphone and engaging with your partner on a regular basis means good news for the health of couples like Wimberly and Holder.
Quality time can lead to quality health
A new study published in Psychosomatic Medicine, a journal of behavioral medicine, shows that increased levels of “perceived partner responsiveness” or “PPR” — defined in the paper as “how much people feel their romantic partners understand, care for, and appreciate them” — can lead to a longer life.
This study began about five years ago, when a team of researchers from universities in the U.S. and abroad — Sarah Stanton, PhD, Emre Selcuk, PhD, Allison K. Farrell, PhD, Richard Slatcher, PhD, and Anthony D. Ong, PhD — began investigating the connection between social relationships to physical and mental health.
“We had this idea that one of the reasons why responsiveness is really good for us is that it allows us to be better-equipped at [adapting to] stressors,” said Slatcher, an associate professor at Wayne State University, about the origin of the study.
By stressors, Slatcher is referring to any event or condition in a person’s life that can cause stress, be it a death in the family or just a tough day at work.
For data, these researchers drew from the National Survey of Midlife Development in the United States, which provided assessments of PPR from 1,208 adults across the country in three waves over the span of 20 years.
From the journal entries of these participants, the researchers found that adults who indicated that their spouse made them feel cared for, appreciated, and validated did indeed have a lower risk of mortality after two decades had passed.
Why?
A responsive partner, it turns out, can help you be less “stress-reactive.”
This doesn’t mean a person will be less stressed, but rather that they will be better able to cope and deal with it.
“If you have a really responsive partner, it turns out that you’re less likely to really respond to that outside stress, or in a way that’s filled with negative emotions. And so that in turn really predicted greater longevity,” summarized Slatcher.
Stress is a killer
The American Psychological Association reports that chronic stress can help cause the six leading causes of death, including cancer, suicide, heart disease, cirrhosis, accidental injuries, and respiratory disorders.
Researchers at Yale School of Medicine even found a link between mental stress and “sudden death,” since it can cause a potentially lethal heart rhythm in those implanted with a cardiac defibrillator.
Slatcher hopes the study educates the public in “how key responsiveness is in relationships” — and not just mortality.
For example, general levels of happiness are “hugely impacted” by having an engaged partner. So your life won’t just be longer from having a responsive partner — it will likely be happier as well.
Share on PinterestBeing responsive in good and bad times is key to being a good partner. Getty Images
How can a person be a more responsive partner?
It starts with being a good conversationalist.
When your partner is talking to you, try “really giving them your full attention,” recommended Slatcher, and try “to empathize with them when they’re going through something difficult.”
Be responsive during the good times, too, like “celebrating with them, in terms of the attention that you give them when something goes well,” he added.
One of the biggest challenges of being a responsive partner today is the ubiquitous presence of smartphones, which keep people plugged into their jobs, the news cycle, and social media accounts for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Like Wimberly and Holder demonstrate, it’s important to practice putting the phone down when a partner is trying to engage with you.
“Really give them your full attention,” advised Slatcher. “People think that they can multitask and look at their phone and talk to their partner at the same time. And at least our preliminary findings are suggesting that phones can really get in the way of responsiveness and then negatively impact the relationship.”
Even those who believe they’re good at multitasking should give the phone a rest.
“You can’t in that same moment be scrolling through Snapchat or Instagram and also be an attentive partner,” Slatcher said. “You really need to do those things at different times.”
Setting aside a regular time during the day, such as dinner, to put away phones can be an effective way of becoming a more responsive partner — and family member.
Meet Bezzy for Depression, a community that cares
The same benefits can extend to parents and children, too
“We’ve been looking at responsiveness in parent-child interactions and their response to the effects of responsiveness on kids are just huge,” Slatcher said. “So the same [advice] goes for parent-child relationships as well.”
Slatcher said he also practices what he preaches.
His research into responsiveness has inspired him to make adjustments in his own life by not only “trying to be a more responsive partner to my spouse, but also to my kids, to really try to be mindful and present when I’m with them and to give them my full attention,” he said.
For Slatcher, that includes putting away the smartphone during family gatherings like dinner.
In doing so, the researcher has found that he can become a role model to his spouse and his children in how to have more responsive relationships, which in any family, can’t be a one-way street.
“You can’t ask your spouse to put his or her phone away when you’re talking to them, if you’re not going to do the same thing yourself,” he said.
Slatcher encourages others to begin their own journey toward better responsiveness — and a longer life — with the simple act of communication.
“Let your partner know also about these findings so they can be responsive to you,” he advised.
